I have to admit, I don’t know what would happen if I did, but I’m truly about to crack in life at only 22.
I guess I just might have a few too many dreams and . . . I would say suddenly but it’s not . . . just no motivation. Or my dreams are just too big. I don’t know. I would sit here and say “I cannot do this” but it’s not like I want to die, I just want to be free and accepted.
I want to have a full understanding of animation and design, as I have kept an anime concept and built on it for what would be a decade in a few months! And I’m not talking about giving these ideas up to be turned into some sad American cartoon — I’m trying to make it to Japan. The language and culture is my college major — I tried to double it with graphic design, but I had 14 seizures and the grand finale of an anxiety attack through ONE academic school year. Now I’m just trying to earn the language degree and go back for the design degree but who has that time or money!?
I’m indescribably determined to have the show OST composed by YK. I just want to make it before she gets burnt out or formally retires.
That’s the primary thing hanging on to my life vision. My parents can’t stand me and vice versa (being a gay preacher’s kid does not work out well in African American culture and so keeping that in is another thing) but I’m not going to get so mad that I sprint out and end up having not only no pot to piss in, but no medication for my epilepsy. I hate that I have 3 medications required at least twice a day and that, likely because doctors continue to just attach the seizures to stress since they never find a fault in my brain scans, I just canNOT get ANY good results sending in various disability forms. I’m about to try again, though, since some circumstances have changed — at first I couldn’t report anything except that I had an extremely high potential to have seizures in my sleep and was requesting financial assistance for necessary meds, but they probably saw that I’m still dependent on two working people and threw my stuff out. But now, I started having seizures while awake, too, and had been given that 3rd med; one of my parents will retire in less than 30 days, so new budget cut; and I feel so deadened trying to get another job, wishing I could find something remotely enjoyable like a dance or art studio, but I’m restrained to something near my house as I’m not allowed to drive! But I sit here knowing I’m not just another college cashier, yet the mental weight of my body to even draw a picture or pick up my language books and still try to study, much less fill out job applications!?!?
I truly cannot breathe.