Vocal Discussion of Yuki's Singers

[Hime_Wakana]

I think it's pretty much ready

aye...

 

[Descratic]

Do we still want to streamline the paragraph about Wakana's singing, or is it fine the way it is?
Well, since I did anyway, here it is:

This e-mail was written by a group of fans who met through your music. We come from different countries and have been to your lives in Europe, the USA and Asia. We keep in contact through the internet and enjoy talking about your new live DVDs and music that we've bought.

Firstly, congratulations on your successful 3 day special! Many of us, from all over the world, watched the live stream and enjoyed it very much. It was nice being able to see the 3 day special live because a few of us have not been able to see one of your live concerts in person yet.

With regards to the recent lives we have attended this year, we have noticed that sometimes Ms. Wakana looks, and at times sounds, strained whilst singing. Occasionally, it even appears to be painful for her. Ms. Wakana still performs very well but it seems like it's more difficult for her recently than in the past.

We are sorry if this e-mail is inappropriate, but naturally we were a little concerned and were wondering if something might be wrong.

Thank you very much for taking the time to read this e-mail.

Kind regards,
----

Sorry, nitpicking here....
Again, tried to fix a few grammar things and make the paragraph on Wakana less redundant, so hopefully it's a bit clearer now....

 

[tabete.mio]

thanks for fixing some grammar mistakes

This e-mail was written by a group of fans who met through your music. We come from different countries and have been to your lives in Europe, the USA and Asia. We keep in contact through the internet and enjoy talking about your new live DVDs and music that we've bought.

Firstly, congratulations on your successful 3 day special! Many of us, from all over the world, watched the live stream and enjoyed it very much. It was nice being able to see the 3 day special live because a few of us have not been able to see one of your live concerts in person yet.

With regards to the recent lives we have attended this year, we have noticed that sometimes Ms. Wakana looks, and at times sounds, strained whilst singing. Occasionally, it even appears to be painful for her. Ms. Wakana still performs very well but it seems like it's more difficult for her recently than in the past.

We are sorry if this e-mail is inappropriate, but naturally we were a little concerned and were wondering if something might be wrong.

Thank you very much for taking the time to read this e-mail.

Kind regards,
----

After reading it completely, it feels like the problem is too toned down. But I'm ok with this. We dont want a hard blow on Wakana's confidence in singing, do we? (Even if that might be what is required by the situation )

 

[Mwhlr]

This e-mail was written by a group of fans who met through your music. We come from different countries and have been to your lives in Europe, the USA and Asia. We keep in contact through the Internet and enjoy talking about your new live DVDs and music that we've bought.

Firstly, congratulations on your successful 3 day special! Many of us watched the live-stream and we enjoyed it very much. It was nice because a few of us have not been able to attend one of your concerts in person yet.

At some of the lives we have attended this year, we have noticed that sometimes Ms. Wakana looks, and at times sounds, strained whilst singing. Occasionally, it even appears to be painful for her. Ms. Wakana still sings very well but it seems like it's harder for her than it was in the past.

We are sorry if this e-mail is inappropriate, but naturally we were a little concerned and were wondering if something might be wrong.

Thank you very much for taking the time to read this e-mail.

Kind regards,

Just tided up a few lines - just change them back if you think they were better beforehand.

For the red part, if you want to mention her tone, is there a way to remove the parentheses, just to make the sentence a little simpler? YK might be really good with English and sentence structure, but we should keep it as basic as possible just to be safe.

If you guys think it's fine though, just ignore me.

Wow, a really decent letter we have constructed here

I know, right? Forum teamwork ftw!

 

[tabete.mio]

^ No. lets keep your changes. It gives a more accurate presentation of the issue without being too harsh. And I agree with simplicity. We dont want any misunderstandings especially since Kajiura-san is not a native English speaker.

I know, right? Forum teamwork ftw!

I'm all for teamwork!


Wow, teamwork. These series of job interviews is getting to me

 

[Descratic]

Re:

@Mwhlr: Thanks for the revisions!
@tabete.mio: I think it's okay with the problem a bit toned down. You're right, we don't want to hurt Wakana's confidence, especially if it really is just that she's overworked. Also, we're saying that we're worried for her, not just that she sounds bad recently, so hopefully she/they will understand that we don't mean to hurt her feelings or anything, just that we're concerned. And, toned-down is probably better because we don't want to seem too obsessive and scare them...
I don't think we can get it (specifically the part you mentioned, Mwhlr) much simpler, without breaking things into separate sentences, and risking sounding redundant. I imagine that even if Kajiura-san isn't good with English, she wouldn't accept messages in English (or tweet in English, albeit basic) if there wasn't someone who could understand and translate it.

So, current revision:

This e-mail was written by a group of fans who met through your music. We come from different countries and have been to your lives in Europe, the USA and Asia. We keep in contact through the Internet and enjoy talking about your new live DVDs and music that we've bought.

Firstly, congratulations on your successful 3 day special! Many of us watched the live-stream and we enjoyed it very much. It was nice because a few of us have not been able to attend one of your concerts in person yet.

At some of the lives we have attended this year, we have noticed that sometimes Ms. Wakana looks, and at times sounds, strained whilst singing. Occasionally, it even appears to be painful for her. Ms. Wakana still sings very well but it seems like it's harder for her than it was in the past.

We are sorry if this e-mail is inappropriate, but naturally we were a little concerned and were wondering if something might be wrong.

Thank you very much for taking the time to read this e-mail.

Kind regards,

Forum teamwork ftw!

Yup!

 

[tabete.mio]

so what's left that has to be taken care of?

 

[aero.senpai]

Re: Re:

So, current revision:

This e-mail was written by a group of fans who met through your music. We come from different countries and have been to your lives in Europe, the USA and Asia. We keep in contact through the Internet and enjoy talking about your new live DVDs and music that we've bought.

Firstly, congratulations on your successful 3 day special! Many of us watched the live-stream and we enjoyed it very much. It was nice because a few of us have not been able to attend one of your concerts in person yet.

At some of the lives we have attended this year, we have noticed that sometimes Ms. Wakana looks, and at times sounds, strained whilst singing. Occasionally, it even appears to be painful for her. Ms. Wakana still sings very well but it seems like it's harder for her than it was in the past.

We are sorry if this e-mail is inappropriate, but naturally we were a little concerned and were wondering if something might be wrong.

Thank you very much for taking the time to read this e-mail.

Kind regards,

I would just take out "this year" from the bolded sentence, because...well, I've said before XD This might make our concern look to new. We agreed to don't mention all the time we have seen it, but we also shouldn't take the other way round and make it sound too fresh for a concern, I think.
Other than that, I think that "Thank you very much for taking the time to read this e-mail." is perfect for ending the letter, better than say that we are expecting some answer from her.
Also, the paragraph where we start talking about Wakana is starting abruptly. Wouldn't something like a "but", "however" help it flow a bit better?


I can't believe we're editing this thing with such hard work...seems it'll finally be sent Teamwork FTW³

 

[Descratic]

Re: Re:

Other than that, I think that "Thank you very much for taking the time to read this e-mail." is perfect for ending the letter, better than say that we are expecting some answer from her.
Also, the paragraph where we start talking about Wakana is starting abruptly. Wouldn't something like a "but", "however" help it flow a bit better?

I agree with this ending too, it's much more polite, and less like we're imposing on them.

I would just take out "this year" from the bolded sentence, because...well, I've said before XD This might make our concern look to new. We agreed to don't mention all the time we have seen it, but we also shouldn't take the other way round and make it sound too fresh for a concern, I think.

So, maybe:

This e-mail was written by a group of fans who met through your music. We come from different countries and have been to your lives in Europe, the USA and Asia. We keep in contact through the Internet and enjoy talking about your new live DVDs and music that we've bought.

Firstly, congratulations on your successful 3 day special! Many of us watched the live-stream and we enjoyed it very much. It was nice because a few of us have not been able to attend one of your concerts in person yet.

However, at some of the lives we have attended during the past few years, we have noticed that sometimes Ms. Wakana looks, and at times sounds, strained whilst singing. Occasionally, it even appears to be painful for her. Ms. Wakana still sings very well but it seems like it's harder for her than it was in the past.

We are sorry if this e-mail is inappropriate, but naturally we were a little concerned and were wondering if something might be wrong.

Thank you very much for taking the time to read this e-mail.

Kind regards,

Like that? Perhaps we should take out the time frame altogether, and just use "attended". Although, that could make it seem like a recent issue too.

I can't believe we're editing this thing with such hard work...seems it'll finally be sent Teamwork FTW³

 

[aero.senpai]

Re: Re:

I would just take out "this year" from the bolded sentence, because...well, I've said before XD This might make our concern look to new. We agreed to don't mention all the time we have seen it, but we also shouldn't take the other way round and make it sound too fresh for a concern, I think.

So, maybe:

This e-mail was written by a group of fans who met through your music. We come from different countries and have been to your lives in Europe, the USA and Asia. We keep in contact through the Internet and enjoy talking about your new live DVDs and music that we've bought.

Firstly, congratulations on your successful 3 day special! Many of us watched the live-stream and we enjoyed it very much. It was nice because a few of us have not been able to attend one of your concerts in person yet.

However, at some of the lives we have attended during the past few years, we have noticed that sometimes Ms. Wakana looks, and at times sounds, strained whilst singing. Occasionally, it even appears to be painful for her. Ms. Wakana still sings very well but it seems like it's harder for her than it was in the past.

We are sorry if this e-mail is inappropriate, but naturally we were a little concerned and were wondering if something might be wrong.

Thank you very much for taking the time to read this e-mail.

Kind regards,

Like that? Perhaps we should take out the time frame altogether, and just use "attended". Although, that could make it seem like a recent issue too.

I have the very same doubts...maybe we should write something more vague, like, "it's been a while since we started noticing blablabla"? But I still feel I'm just complicating this more

 

[Boblove321]

Re: Re:

However, at some of the lives we have attended during the past few years,

I think this is ok- like Descratic says, if we don't hint a vague time then it would probably suggest that this concern is a recent one when it's not. Since we've mentioned that it's a concern in 'some' of Waa-chans performances and not all of them I think it sends the message politely.

The line can be changed but
I think a suggestion of vague time is needed

 

[Hime_Wakana]

that it's a concern in 'some' of Waa-chans performances and not all of them

aye... ^^

 

[Mayu]

You are sending that to SMEG? I hope they don't take it the wrong way and discard Wakana completely. I would seriously be pissed off if that happens since there's already people whining that she should "disappear".

 

[Lorde-Kowz]

They're sending it to Yuki, IIRC.

 

[Mayu]

They're sending it to Yuki, IIRC.

But Yuki has trouble reading English, right?

 

[Descratic]

The hope is that even if Kajiura-san herself can't read English very well, someone around her will be able to, and will understand the message. It's definitely worth a shot!
Especially if Wakana's condition ends up being really serious.

 

[tabete.mio]

However, at some of the lives we have attended during the past few years

The time frame for "during the past few years" is a bit broad. Lets not include 2010 as much as possible since Wakana was still awesome (IMO) during that time.

how about :

However, at some of the lives we have attended during the recent year

I think this limits the time to 2011-2012

Can't there be a better word for a time frame of 2 years in the past?

 

[Cerise]

Re:

I hope they don't take it the wrong way and discard Wakana completely. I would seriously be pissed off if that happens since there's already people whining that she should "disappear".

.....these people....

@tabi: I also think that she sounded fine in 2010, the problem to me seems to start from sometime around the beginning of 2011...perhaps 'over the last year and a half or so' would describe that time frame?

Nice teamwork guys This must be good bonding time

 

[tabete.mio]

^yes, wakana was great during the red moon live in 2010.

.....these people....

/me kick those people

Nice teamwork guys This must be good bonding time

It is, in a way Cerise you should join us
and enjoy the wonderful headache that comes after

 

[Cerise]

^ but you guys have it pretty much perfect anyway....

Okay, let's see...

I still think using 'however' by itself is still a bit abrupt (whenever I heard that word I automatically think ) so, perhaps...

Firstly, congratulations on your successful 3 day special! Many of us watched the live-stream and we enjoyed it very much. It was nice because a few of us have not been able to attend one of your concerts in person yet.

There is one thing that we have noticed, however and that is at some of the lives we have attended during the past year or so, we have noticed <- reword this bit so it isn't repetitive? that sometimes Ms. Wakana looks, and at times sounds, strained whilst singing. Occasionally, it even appears to be painful for her. Ms. Wakana still sings very well but it seems like it's harder for her than it was in the past.

Feel free to discard this, though, because it is very wordy and perhaps it is better to be more succinct (Yes, I have a problem with being too wordy, just ask my English teachers )

We are sorry if this e-mail is inappropriate, but naturally as your fans we were a little concerned and were wondering if something might be wrong.

This might be unnecessary since you already said we were fans in the beginning but I think it sounds 'nicer' by reinforcing the fact that we are genuine fans who genuinely care about her, and we're not only concerned about the music, but also poor Wakana herself.

Feel free to ignore, scrap, edit, incorporate...I personally have no major issues about it the way it already is.